Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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