It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
