He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
