did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
