You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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