I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize