you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
