Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
