I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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