If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
