My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
