this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
