yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
