so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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