Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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