if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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