Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
