The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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