Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
