I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
