I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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