i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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