one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
