nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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