So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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