i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If I die, sorry about rent.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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