Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
