Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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