I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
