then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
