there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
