Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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