ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
