Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
