dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
