This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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