I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
