I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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