So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
