the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
