I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize