I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
