youre lurking in front of me
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize