I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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