i think my mom watched the whole time
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize