At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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