I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sorry about my life...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
