I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
