For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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