I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize