I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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