We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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