Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
