a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
